You know that feeling when it feels like you are finally starting to try to figure it out. Like you are done feeling sorry for yourself, done laying in bed all day, eating junk food all day, and then eating completely nothing the next…not exercising…at all…just doom scrolling all day because it feels better than facing what you actually have to do. Just this feeling of numbness and dread that feels like will never disappear. This was going on since I graduated in April. I graduated with distinction as a double major and even then I am honestly going to be more honest it was not since April…it was since November I have been feeling this way. I did not want to go back to school my last semester from how bad I was. My roommates convinced me to come back and even one of them made me dinner every day because “I was already making mine anyways” she would say and even would wake me up every morning and I felt like such a burden. I have been going to bed so late (around 4-5 am) from just watching tiktoks and reels trying to numb myself and waking up around 3 pm. Even though this blog is anonymous, even writing that out for people to see is so scary. Anyways I decided a few days ago that I need to hate myself enough to get out of bed. I know that is completely backwards. But if my bed and doom scrolling on my phone is my “happy place” where I feel comfortable, getting out of bed and facing the music is my punishment. I know that is probably a bad mindset but because of seeing it as something I need to do out of punishment I have been making myself the past 5 days go for a walk for an hour a day on the treadmill on a 8 incline and 3 speed. Literally every day is a STRUGGLE to get up and go. I would even procrastinate it so much sometimes I have been going at 11:30pm and getting back home at 1am. But at least I went. And even during it I am not happy either. Not until around 40 minutes in I have found. Like I am still feeling so horrible and feel like the feeling is not going to go away until it actually does. And I hate saying it, but not only does my body already feel a bit better, but I have so much more mental clarity and want to build something of my own, I want to finally start reading the Economist again…as cringe as that is…I want to start playing sports again…I want to start living again. I will blog at least once a day now starting today of course (July 18 2026). If others finally start seeing this blog account I will worry about the design and layout at a later time. But for now all I need for my win today is just placing these words onto this screen…and going on the treadmill.